Break the Silence & Speak Your Truth

On July 4th 2010, my husband beat me for the first time. I still to this day have no clue why, except that must of been the day that he lost his soul to the darkness eating him away from the inside.

The weather was beautiful and we spent the day with the neighbors grilling, eating, drinking, playing and laughing too much. After the sun set there was an impromptu fireworks display from the people a couple streets away that we all watched, and then our neighbors bid us goodnight.

A few minutes later I looked over at my husband and said I was going to go inside and asked if he would help me take a shower (I have a disability and he is my caretaker as well). He said "Wait! I bought some fireworks for tonight, let me go get them.."  Tired from the days activities I headed toward the house and replied "Let's do them tomorrow." I knew he had been drinking and I didn't want him blowing his face off, but I left that part unsaid. He protested and was insisting I stay outside. I said "Honey it's late, I'm tired, I just want to go inside." When I turned to see if he was coming with me is when it hit me; his fist square in my face. It was so hard I was knocked to the ground with that one punch.

I lay there dazed with the world swirling and then all of a sudden he jumped on me and punched me in the face and head about four more times. He got off me and went into the house. I laid there in the dirt and cried for a couple minutes and then attempted to get up. I had managed to get up on my hands and knees when  he came back outside. I thought he had come to help and apologize, but I was wrong. He kicked me in the side which knocked me back to the ground fully then kicked me in the head.  He started cursing and yelling at me to get up as he paced back and forth. Every minute or two he would stop pacing, come back at me hitting me repeatedly then resume his cursing and pacing. This went on two or three more times before he finally went back into the house.

I was in shock and crying. I had no idea what was going on or why I was I was being attacked. Where was the loving husband I married? I knew he was drunk from the BBQ but he had never been violent before, had never even raised a hand to me. I managed to sit up after a couple minutes and crawl to the deck, where I pulled myself the rest of the way up with help from the railing and steps.  Once I got inside I found him passed out in a chair with a can of beer spilled all over.  I had no idea what to do, I was just in a fog. I washed up, tended my wounds and went to bed.

We had separated for about 3 months but I got really sick and needed his help so I gave in to the pleading to give him another chance and that "it would never happen again" (oh those famous words...) The abuse continued of course... the excuse/apology was always "sorry I was drunk". I tried fighting back but with his physical strength and my disability it usually proved to be a futile effort.

On Nov 2011 I ended up in the hospital for 5 days with an enlarged right side of my heart due to stress and anxiety. Four months after that he almost killed me...I was in ICU for 12 days on a ventilator with 3 blood clots in my lungs from a beating earlier that week. He would not even stay with me in the hospital (his excuse was the cat needed him home) The times he did come visit he was drunk and snuck alcohol in to drink while there and they even had to throw him out for threatening my Dr. I went home on oxygen (and would spend the next three years of my life on it 24/7). After he beat me yet again on Labor Day of 2012, I finally found the courage to call 911. The police arrested him and I spent another 3 days in the hospital. 

He was in jail for one whole night before they let him out. He plead guilty to domestic violence and was sentenced to 18 months probation, court ordered AA, community service, domestic violence classes and monetary fines. He went and stayed with his ex but I had no family or friends around to help me (he used to get pissed if someone called me or came over to see me so I had pretty much stopped staying in contact with anyone to keep the peace.)  Being even more disabled now that I was on oxygen I was even worse off.  I called the domestic violence shelter and they said they were full and couldn't help me, but I could call them for counseling referrals (gee thanks). After a few months my husband moved back in staying in the second bedroom and the cops said he had a right to be there since his name was on it as well. I had nowhere to go, no money, and nowhere to turn, I felt absolutely trapped.

During this time he went to all his court-ordered things even AA, and although he never hit me again during those 18 months he also never quit drinking, was emotionally/verbally abusive and he punched holes in the walls and cupboards of the house. We argued constantly over his continued drinking, literal screaming matches and I ruined the bedroom doors slamming them in sheer frustration. Probably about a month after he finished his probation and was free of the court system he hit me again, just once, but it was enough... I was terrified, panic and anxiety had taken over my every waking moment of when the next beating was coming. I secretly worked on rebuilding bridges with my family without him knowing.

A few months later he lost his job for drinking at work, got another about a month or so later and promptly lost that one too for the same reason. He pretty much quit even looking for a job after that, he only wanted to stay drunk and refused to get help for his addiction. At this point he was drinking 24/7 and was never sober. He hardly ate, would drink til he passed out, and when he woke up would immediately pour another. He had quit giving me my therapy so my medical condition deteriorated to where I couldn't walk and was in a wheelchair, he refused to help me with daily care, refused to clean the house or take me to my doctor appointments. One night he even turned off my oxygen in the middle of the night while I was asleep.

I told him to leave and he refused... I tried locking him out of the house when he went to get more alcohol and he would break down the door to get back inside...life had deteriorated to a constant chaotic carousel of alcohol, vile arguments and ugly threats; my severe depression started spiraling into serious thoughts of suicide and I was convinced I would be better off dead.

About a month later I called my Dad and Step-mom who drove up from out of state with their pickup truck. I pleaded with my husband one last time to go to rehab and get help. He left the house before my parents arrived (probably because he knew my dad would shoot him). We grabbed my oxygen, my medical necessities  some clothes and my computer, threw them in the truck and left. I left everything else I owned behind. My health at this point was so bad my step-mom did not think I was going to even survive the thirteen hour trip south, she thought she was bringing me home to die. Less than two weeks after I left, he sold our house (without my consent and kept all the money), threw away my remaining belongings, moved to a different state to live with his brother and started a romantic relationship with a woman from the internet. So much for true love and marriage vows.

It has been 9 long months now since I left. I still have depression, panic and anxiety attacks, still have terrifying nightmares and other symptoms of PTSD but I am breathing without oxygen most days, I can walk again for short distances, I've been doing therapy that my step-mom helps me with. I am no longer chained by fear and I am very slowly learning to smile and find joy in life again. My husband taught me one of the biggest lessons of my life, which was to value my own worth.

I hope by speaking about this that it helps someone else who may be struggling with Domestic Violence in their lives. Please don't give up, even if it takes you awhile to get out of the situation or you go back just to leave again and again; the average person will leave their abuser seven times before leaving for good, this does not make it in anyway your fault.  - All my love to you and I understand. 

03-11-16 Update: The divorce is final today. I am doing much better physically and mentally - healing and moving forward...  he is still drinking, lying and hurting people.